Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
