today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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