i was born a porn star she said
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
