then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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