I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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