i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
