i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
