just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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