Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
