Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
