he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
