is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
