I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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