hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
