Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
