i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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