The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
