my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
