apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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