my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
