I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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