Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
