theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize