i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
