Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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