I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Someone shattered a urinal.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
