I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
