well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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