Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
