I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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