in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
