the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
