just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
PANTIES FOUND
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