People in love make me want to vomit
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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