Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sorry about my life...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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