first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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