The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
