How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
