Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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