I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
