I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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