is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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