My liver just broke up with me...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
