On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
