As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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