I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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