the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
