i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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