Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
