I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
