So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish my penis had an off switch
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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